Friday, March 07, 2008

Goodbye Rick-I love and Miss You - RIP

I knew that this day would come...the day I lost one of my parents. I always figured it would be my Bio. dad Rick first, he has been ill, an addict and suffered with Bi-Polar for years. Today was the day.
I got up this morning and was doing my morning workout when the phone rang. I saw it was my grandma's number so I figured I would call her back since it was probably Rick (my Dad) and he and I would chat and I would get thrown off my workout. I continued my workout for another ten minutes and decided to take a shower. The phone rang again...it was my grandma's number again...hmmm...he is really eager to talk to me. I answered and it was my Aunt Pam. She told me that my dad was gone and I needed to come to the house right away.

When I managed to get there..unshowered but teeth brushed, hair combed and Nikaya safely with Papa until Daddy picked her up, the Coroner and Funeral Home were leaving with him. From what the Coroner believes, he sat up to get out of bed about 1am this morning and had a massive heart attack and died instantly. My grandmother found him this morning and feels so responsible for not checking on him sooner, what could she have done differently....things that you drive yourself crazy with when someone you love dies suddenly. It appears that there was nothing that could have been done, even if a Doctor was sitting bedside with him when it happened.

I was so thankful that his passing was natural, that is was not by his own hand...this is something that has been attempted many times in the past and was a deep fear of mine, that he would 'try' to kill himself and actually complete the task someday...to me that is harder to take than a natural death, even at the age of 53 years old. In this instant I can make some sense of it, that even though he was young, he passed the way I would like to-quick and pretty painless-not by his own hand or living a life hooked to a machine slowly going in and out of pain....

I will remember the good times and bad times, how far he and I have come in our lives as Father and Daughter and mostly-Friends...I will be sad for my children because they have lost a grandpa, but have the knowledge that he is pain free and happy now that he is at rest...he is with Great Grandpa Cotton, his father, a place that he longed to be ever since Grandpa passed....now we too must live without our father.

I feel alot for my brother Richard and Sister Rachel. They are far away and have not gotten to know Rick the way I have. I hope that some day in their life they will learn to look at his memories with happiness and praise for the time we had with him, and not only bad times and feelings of abandonment. He loved all of us the best he could, with all of his heart and soul...I hope I can make them understand him that way as well.

4 comments:

Julie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. May you be held securely in the loving arms of God ~ there you will find comfort and peace!

Kim said...

I am sorry, I can't imagine how you feel. Praying God's peace will cover you and your family.
Kim

Sherry said...

Oh LeAnne, I am so so sorry to read your news. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your family.
(((hugs)))
Sherry

Angela said...

Dear sweet LeAnne,

Praining for you and your family. May God just wrap you up tightly in his comforting arms and pour His peace out all over you.

I can't imagine I could be much help...but if there is anything at all... Please don't hesitate for a second to let me know.

Lots of love,
Angela