Monday, February 21, 2011

Vacuums Suck

Have you ever felt like you are stuck in a vacuum?

I have such frustration sometimes that all I do is getting me nowhere. I get frustrated that many days work is slow and I am don't get me wrong...getting paid to do a whole lot of nothing is nice sometimes, Other times it is down right sucky. I tend to sit there doing a crossword puzzle and think of all the things I COULD be doing at home or elsewhere. I feel I have accomplished nothing during my day and that makes me restless.

I have sent a resume out to a few places but nothing serious. I love change, really I do..but the unknown freaks me out to no end..(enter control freak here...) The thought of going somewhere else and losing my freedom to come and go as needed for the kids scares me alot. What if one of them becomes ill or there is a meeting at school I need to attend? What if one of them has a sporting event I want to go to? ARGH!

I also look back on some things and some people with regret. Many times lately I have looked back at the loss of my EMT license with quite a bit of sadness. I would LOVE to go back and get my EMT license again, possibly even go to EMT Advanced and get a job with an Ambulance locally.
Bottom of totem pole and cruddy shifts (BAD for family time)
Starting anew in something that I really do NOT have time for to begin with.
More loss of time with family and not sure of where I would go with it
MONEY to do the classes
So, when I see friends that are doing the classes I feel such anger at myself and a little bit of the wishing it was me doing it as well. I am not 100% sure that if I had the money I would be able to come up with the time. I am very overwhelmed some days with a job, house, kids and life in general to take time for a class 2-3 nights per week, but still I think about it often.

I don't know what the future holds, but I can only hope and pray that I can keep up! ;-)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Life Changing Choices and Addiction

Well here I am a couple of months into the new year. Every year I vow to eat better, exercise more and make better choices for myself. Last year I was able to lose about 40lbs. This was BIG...I have also managed to gain back 12 of it before starting my new life choices the end of January.
I have been 'behaving myself' and trying to make better food choices and trying to mentally deal with addiction. I do not drink (maybe once in a blue moon I have a drink for fun), I do not smoke (idiotic with asthma), I do not gamble (do not think strategically and I suck at it..hehe) and I do not take drugs (not even an option), so I eat...plain and simple, eating is MY drug of choice. I have taken a good look around my family tree and addiction runs deep within it.
I eat when I am bored, stressed, hungry, tired, for the hell of it. I am trying to address the reasons I eat and look at each situation I crave food as an individual lesson for myself. I am trying to ask myself, WHY do you want to eat.... right now? Most of the time I will think about a type of food (carbs-corn tortilla's was a main staple in my diet) as well as chocolate, and I can imagine eating them until I am not happy unless I eat them. I manifest the craving into something of real hunger and need.
This has not been easy for me. Since January 29, 2011 until now, I have lost 10lbs. Now, I did NOT measure, although I wish I had, because I have lost many inches in the belly, arms and legs etc. I strive to lose so much more, while gaining more about myself than ever. To fight a mental craving may be worse than a physical need to eat. The first 2-3 days were the absolute worst. I did not time the beginning of the diet well, since it coincided with mother nature (I often don't know when this will happen due to early menopause) but it made me a nasty human to live with. I was yelling at the kids, Curt and everyone..generally being a nasty bit** to be around. Curt told me that he did NOT like my new diet and then once I eaplined WHY I was acting like I was he seemed to be more understanding. It is extremely hard to detox, live with hormone fluctuations and life changes and be kind to anyone including yourself. I have to say, I have done much better with it but I continue to try my hardest to make the right choices.
I will update here my progress. Wishing everyone out there the best in the new year!

Monday, February 14, 2011

When Two People Fell In Love

Curt and I met when I was about 14.5 years old and he was 16. We had a friend in common, he went to school with her and ran track and cross country with her. One night while staying the night at her house, we decided to go to her school dance...our ride, was Curt and his friend Corey.
I have to say, that first night I was both in love and hated him at the same time. I thought he was cute, and enjoyed the attention and danced most of the night with him... However, he made a reference to my looks (calling me the 'ugly one') and I decided that he was no longer cute, but quite an ass ;-)
About 2 days later, he began calling my house to chat. I was excited, but brought up the ugly comment again, to which he apologized (this is a running joke in our marriage to this day...he said he only told me that because he was a naughty 16 year old boy who wanted to touch my chest and I would not let him...hehe) Being only 14.5 years old, I was not allowed to date. Curt began coming over to the house to spend time with me any way he could, usually helping me with my homework, watching movies sucked being that young and having a boyfriend you wanted to date, but I know now as an adult that it was for the best my parents stood their ground on the dating situation.
Curt and I 'went out' until we had our first date...a week before my 16th Birthday my high school held a Christmas Dance, we were able to attend ALONE for our first date!

We dated all thru high school, Curt graduating when I was a Sophomore, and moving out to join the working world. I finished high school two years later and moved in with him about a month after I graduated; we were married almost 1 year later at the ripe old ages of 19 and 20.

Here it is almost 24 years of being together and 20 years of marriage later (April 20th, 2011 to be exact) and we have been thru ups and downs together. We have been pregnant 4 times and lost 4 babies...we have watched friends marry, divorce and pass on. We have moved from rental to rental to rental and then on to our own home. We have adopted 4 of the most wonderful kids a family could ask for and been with each other thru all of it...thick and thin.

To all the skeptics who figure if you marry early, live with each other before marriage and the like, we say Thank You..for thinking we could not do it, nor would not make it...for you have given us the chance to stick out our tongues and say PPPbbbttt! ;-)


Monday, February 07, 2011


I have so much to go over and decided I would just bullet point it... ;-)

* Haiti has been on the mind of our family alot lately. I hope to get to take a trip with some other adoptive mothers in April or so...$$ hopefully available
* Kids have kept us busy. Have fun watching their games and performances, but will be happy to have less on our plate.
* Getting to visit with old friend tonight should be awesome. I know she is trying to sell me something I don't really want or need, but to reconnect will be great.
* Going between the idea of staying where I am at my job or looking for something with growth potential...either way, change sucks. Keeping options open.
* Hoping I can muster the fortitude to make a Womens Bible study every Tuesday night at our Church. Want to go, Basketball will be over (track starts) but hoping I make myself learn so I can grow.
* Feel guilty, have not been to church once yet this is February
* Missing a friend. He dropped off the map and has not made contact for a while....praying he is ok and it was nothing said or done that made him leave.
* Leaving Friday afternoon for Hailey...Cheer Competition. Sharing room with M.L should be fun..bring the Margarita maker please!
* Need to upload videos of cheer and basketball here for others to see...need time and Curt's computer to do so.
* Working on new diet. To cold to exercise outside (I prefer walking the neighborhood to treadmill). Down 4lbs this week and feeling successful...cannot wait for walking to begin and hopefully the 'hangry' (hungry and angry) feeling to subside! ;-) I feel the skinnier version of me trying to escape (maybe I will quit shutting her up with chocolate!)
* Exercise I will do inside consists of dancing around like a crazy woman while cleaning. Did so before work today...makes my pale face(mostly my nose) shine bright red for several hours. :-(