Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Real E-Bay Ad....Funny

A couple of friends of mine have past this around...sounds like a day at the grocery store for me...I only have 4!!!
I'm selling a bunch of Pokemon cards. Why? Because my kids sneakedthem into my shopping cart while at the grocery store and I ended upbuying them because I didn't notice they were there until we got home.How could I have possibly not noticed they were in my cart, you ask? Letme explain.You haven’t lived until you’ve gone grocery shopping with six kids intow. I would rather swim, covered in bait, through the English Channel,be a contestant on Fear Factor when they’re having pig brains for lunch,or do fourth grade math than to take my six kids to the grocery store.Because I absolutely detest grocery shopping, I tend to put it off aslong as possible. There comes a time, however, when you’re peering intoyour fridge and thinking, ‘Hmmm, what can I make with ketchup, Italiandressing, and half an onion,’ that you decide you cannot avoid going tothe grocery store any longer. Before beginning this most treacherous mission, I gather all the kids together and give them “The Lecture“.“The Lecture“ goes like this…MOM: “We have to go to the grocery store.”KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“MOM: “Hey, I don’t want to go either, but it’s either that or we’reeating cream of onion-ketchup soup and drinking Italian dressing fordinner tonight.”KIDS: “Whine whine whine whine whine.“MOM: “Now here are the rules: do not ask me for anything, do not poke thepackages of meat in the butcher section, do not test the laws of physicsand try to take out the bottom can in the pyramid shaped display, do notplay baseball with oranges in the produce section, and most importantly,do not try to leave your brother at the store. Again.”OK, the kids have been briefed. Time to go.Once at the store, we grab not one, but two shopping carts. I wear thebaby in a sling and the two little children sit in the carts while I pushone cart and my oldest son pushes the other one. My oldest daughter isnot allowed to push a cart. Ever. Why? Because the last time I let herpush the cart, she smashed into my ankles so many times, my feet had tobe amputated by the end of our shopping trip. This is not a good thing.You try running after a toddler with no feet sometime.At this point, a woman looks at our two carts and asks me, “Are they allyours?” I answer good naturedly, “Yep!“Oh my, you have your hands full.”“Yes, I do, but it‘s fun!” I say smiling. I’ve heard all this before. Infact, I hear it every time I go anywhere with my brood.We begin in the produce section where all these wonderfully, artisticallyarranged pyramids of fruit stand. There is something so irresistiblyappealing about the apple on the bottom of the pile, that a child cannothelp but try to touch it. Much like a bug to a zapper, the child is drawnto this piece of fruit. I turn around to the sounds of apples cascadingdown the display and onto the floor. Like Indiana Jones, there stands myson holding the all-consuming treasure that he just HAD to get and gazingat me with this dumbfounded look as if to say, “Did you see that??? Wow!I never thought that would happen!”I give the offending child an exasperated sigh and say, “Didn’t I tellyou, before we left, that I didn’t want you taking stuff from the bottomof the pile???”“No. You said that you didn’t want us to take a can from the bottom ofthe pile. You didn’t say anything about apples.”With superhuman effort, I resist the urge to send my child to the moonand instead focus on the positive - my child actually listened to me andremembered what I said!!! I make a mental note to be a little morespecific the next time I give the kids The Grocery Store Lecture.A little old man looks at all of us and says, “Are all of those yourkids?”Thinking about the apple incident, I reply, “Nope. They just startedfollowing me. I’ve never seen them before in my life.”OK, now onto the bakery section where everything smells so good, I’mtempted to fill my cart with cookies and call it a day. Being on aperpetual diet, I try to hurry past the assortment of pies, cakes,breads, and pastries that have my children drooling. At this point thechorus of “Can we gets” begins.“Can we get donuts?”“No.”“Can we get cupcakes?”“No.”“Can we get muffins?”“No.”“Can we get pie?”“No.”You’d think they’d catch on by this point, but no, they’re just gettingstarted.In the bakery, they’re giving away free samples of coffee cake and ofcourse, my kids all take one. The toddler decides he doesn’t like it andproceeds to spit it out in my hand. (That’s what moms do. We put ourhands in front of our children’s mouths so they can spit stuff into them.We’d rather carry around a handful of chewed up coffee cake, than to havethe child spit it out onto the floor. I’m not sure why this is, but askany mom and she’ll tell you the same.) Of course, there’s no garbage canaround, so I continue shopping one-handed while searching for someplaceto dispose of the regurgitated mess in my hand.In the meat department, a mother with one small baby asks me, “Wow! Areall six yours?”I answer her, “Yes, but I’m thinking of selling a couple of them.”(Still searching for a garbage can at this point.)Ok, after the meat department, my kids’ attention spans are spent.They’re done shopping at this point, but we aren’t even halfway throughthe store. This is about the time they like to start having shopping cartraces. And who may I thank for teaching them this fun pastime? My seventh“child”, also known as my husband. While I’m picking out loaves of bread,the kids are running down the aisle behind the carts in an effort to getus kicked out of the store. I put to stop to that just as my son is aboutto crash head on into a giant cardboard cut-out of a Keebler elf stackedwith packages of cookies.Ah! Yes! I find a small trash can by the coffee machine in the cerealaisle and finally dump out the squishy contents of my hand. Afterstanding in the cereal aisle for an hour and a half while the kidsperused the various cereals, comparing the marshmallow and cheap, plastictoy content of each box, I broke down and let them each pick out a box.At any given time, we have twenty open boxes of cereal in my house.As this is going on, my toddler is playing Houdini and maneuvering hislittle body out of the seat belt in an attempt to stand up in the cart.I’m amazed the kid made it to his second birthday without suffering abrain damaging head injury. In between trying to flip himself out of thecart, he sucks on the metal bars of the shopping cart. Mmmm, can you say“influenza”?The shopping trip continues much like this. I break up fights between thekids now and then and stoop down to pick up items that the toddler hasflung out of the cart. I desperately try to get everything on my listwithout adding too many other goodies to the carts.Somehow I manage to complete my shopping in under four hours and head forthe check-outs where my kids start in on a chorus of, “Can we havecandy?” What evil minded person decided it would be a good idea to put adisplay of candy in the check-out lanes, right at a child’s eye level?Obviously someone who has never been shopping with children.As I unload the carts, I notice many extra items that my kids havesneaked in the carts unbeknownst to me. I remove a box of Twinkies, apackage of cupcakes, a bag of candy, and a can of cat food (we don’t evenhave a cat!). I somehow missed the box of Pokemon cards however and endedup purchasing them unbeknownst to me. As I pay for my purchases, theclerk looks at me, indicates my kids, and asks, “Are they all yours?”Frustrated, exhausted from my trip, sick to my stomach from writing out acheck for $289.53, dreading unloading all the groceries and putting themaway and tired of hearing that question, I look at the clerk and answerher in my most sarcastic voice, “No. They’re not mine. I just go aroundthe neighborhood gathering up kids to take to the grocery store becauseit’s so much more fun that way.”So, up for auction is an opened (they ripped open the box on the way homefrom the store) package of Pokemon cards. There are 44 cards total.They're in perfect condition, as I took them away from the kiddos as soonas we got home from the store. Many of them say "Energy". I triedcarrying them around with me, but they didn't work. I definitely didn'thave any more energy than usual. One of them is shiny. There are a fewcreature-like things on many of them. One is called Pupitar. Hee heehee Pupitar! (Oh no! My kids' sense of humor is rubbing off on me!)Anyway, I don't there's anything special about any of these cards, butI'm very much not an authority on Pokemon cards. I just know that I'mnot letting my kids keep these as a reward for their sneakiness.Shipping is FREE on this item. Insurance is optional, but once I dropthe package at the post office, it is no longer my responsibility. Forexample, if my son decides to pour a bottle of glue into the envelope, ormy daughter spills a glass of juice on the package, that’s myresponsibility and I will fully refund your money. If, however, I takethe envelope to the post office and a disgruntled mail carrier sets fireto it, a pack of wild dogs rip into it, or a mail sorting machine shredsit, it’s out of my hands, so you may want to add insurance. I will leavefeedback for you as soon as I’ve received your payment. I will be happyto combine shipping on multiple items won within three days. This comesfrom a smoke-free, pet-free, child-filled home. Please ask me anyquestions before placing your bid. Happy bidding! :)On Aug-17-07 at 14:10:11 PDT, seller added the following information:Check out my other items!On Aug-21-07 at 13:37:48 PDT, seller added the following information:14,000 hits!!! Who would've thought? I just wanted to take a minuteand say "thank you" to all the people who have taken the time to write mea comment! I certainly appreciate it! It sure is a nice treat waking upto a full box of compliments! I'm trying to answer each comment, butthey're honestly coming in faster than I can type!Many of you have asked if I have a blog. I do. It'smom2my6pack.blogspot.comMany of you have suggested I write a book. I think I may just have togive that a try. If it ever comes to fruition, I'll post about it on myblog.And $40.00??? What are you guys nuts? There's nothing special aboutthese cards. Are you bidding on them thinking I'll be a famous authorsomeday? :::laughing like a crazy lady over that one::: I'll givewriting a shot, but from what I hear it isn't easy to get a bookpublished. I probably have a better chance of losing ten pounds (andthat ain't likely to happen!)Anyway, again I want to say thank you for reading and passing this on.You've all just made my week! :)On Aug-21-07 at 14:07:29 PDT, seller added the following information:Oh yes - I forgot (big surprise there!) to say that apparently I can onlypost 101 comments. There are a lot of witty, interesting comments I'dlike to put out there for everyone to read, but Ebay won't let me. :(On Aug-21-07 at 23:03:41 PDT, seller added the following information:I've had several people ask me how many watchers this auction has. As of1:00am, it has 865.

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