Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Haiti Lady Has Left The Building....Kinda......

It has been a while and I needed to post for several reasons....1.To give Ange something to read at 4am 2.To get some things off my chesticles (what Demi calls it) 3.Just to let people know some things, so here it goes.

I have been in an up and down cycle lately with my life. I have been having good things and bad things happen to me lately and they were all pointing to one decision I needed to make. I am one of those people that the good Lord needs to hit me with the proverbial Spritual 2x4 in order for me to believe that I am indeed receiving the answer I was (or possibly wasn't) looking for.

I have worked in adoption for about 9 years...since Hunter was a baby. I have seen so many families united during that time that it makes me smile to think about each child that is now home safe and sound and how many others were able to come to the orphanage when the ones leaving made room for 'just one more'. I have had so many wonderful experiences with the families...agonizing, rejoicing, the frustration and the final..."ah, thank ya Lord we made it!" I have had a few families that have been difficult, but they are over shadowed by the good ones.

Adoption brings out the best and worst in a person. To trust someone with something so large with nothing but Faith is a big thing. Most of the families start this process and do not know me, my situation, my heart or desire for the children of Haiti....if they really ask, they will know very soon into our relationship.

I advocate for the families and the children. I live the process with the families...I do not sleep well, I cry, laugh and enjoy, feel the frustration of it all...several families at a time. It is such a part of my life that my family gets to know the names of the children waiting to come home and rejoices as well when good news comes.
Sometimes though, when things go wrong, I am the one blamed for it. This puts me in a hard spot you see; I have always had a HARD time when people believe that I am someone or something that I am not...wether it be at fault when I am not, a non-Chrisitan, a Liar, a Mis-Leader....that hurts my soul very deeply.

I go into each process with each family knowing that I want give them the hope that I KNOW will show itself in God's timing...not ours. When that hope doesn't show up in the families timing, I become a liar or misleader....I MUST prove to them that I am not those things, that things are NOT in my control, things are NOT my fault....But I cannot prove that to them...I cannot and should not have to prove to people anymore who I am. I am 36 years old and KNOW the things I have done with my life, who I am and what I believe. Therefore, I have decided to let go.

I have asked God for quite a while where I should go and what I should do. I never actually planned on being called to the world of adoption, but I was...Thank God for wonderful prayers that I never requested!!!
I have tired of trying to explain myself, processes which I have no control, prove myself to people I cannot and frankly...to go thru the adoption processes of joy, sadness and frustration over and over and over again with so many people at one time.

I have given my 2 weeks at my current agency....I will finish my families thru the other agency and see them to completion-I could NEVER leave them, even the ones that do not really like me :-) I MUST show them the HOPE that really is there. It has taken a lot to show me that this is what needs to be done, and I have peace about leaving.
I know that I am not done 100% You never are with Haiti if it touches your soul as it has mine and my family. I will do Independent Consult when asked by the Orphanage, I will participate on Mission trips in the future and may even lead a couple (scary I know... hehe) I am 'mostly' done with the world of adoption as a Program Coordinator, and LOVE the time I had with my families (most of whom I am still dearly friends with and respect greatly!).
I AM and will ALWAYS be The Haiti Lady.... but....The Agency Haiti Lady has left the building!


Julie said...


I am so glad that you are walking through doors God is opening for you. How exciting to know that God has made unknown plans for your future.

I am sorry you are feeling blamed. I hope I have never made my own facilitator feel that way. I try to remember that I wasn't lied to but that truth changes. But, it has been emotionally difficult too. When we were matched, adoptions in Haiti were taking 6-9 months. Well, David will be three in July and Beverly will be almost 5. I can't tell you how often holidays, birthdays... David's first photo with his haircut was maybe the hardest. Instead of a baby, I was looking at a little boy.

Angela said...

Oh, it's such a sad day for Haitian adoptions. This must have been such a difficult time for you and I am 100% certain of the fact that you have impacted far more lives then you could ever know. I'm also 100% certain you will continue to do that even if it is done in a different way.

I can't even begin to imagine the stress that would face an agent for Haitian adoptions right now. I know I'm on the emotional rollercoaster with just our family's adoptions and I can't even imagine increasing that stress by feeling like I had to answer to anyone else for any of it. I pray you will find so much rest and peace in your decision and that this will just be the beginning of many more exciting adventures for you, your family, and the country that holds your heart!

Much love,

. said...

Lovin' ya, girl!! Hats off to you for seeing the right path and being brave enough to STEP OUT and take the first step on it.

You are in my prayers and I know you will be shown exactly what you are to do "next".


Becky in Okla